The Wisdom of Dwight Schrute
“Whenever I’m about to do something I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if they would, I do not do that thing.”
“I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars any more. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus I’d be more in tune with the moon and tides.”
“I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff, I can look up anyone’s psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections. There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we’re down river from that old bread factory.”
“I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. In my second life I was also a paper salesman and I was also named Dwight. Absolutely everything was the same. Except I could fly.”
“Once I am officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.”
“Reject a woman and she will never let it go, one of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.”
“There’s too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.”
Dwight has a deep infatuation with wild life, which no doubt stems from his having been raised on a farm, and often draws upon nature for analogies regarding real-world situations.
“I don’t believe in coddling people. In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild health care is, ‘oww, I hurt my leg.’ I can’t run, a lion eats me and I’m dead. Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion.”
“What separates humans from jungle beasts? The fact that we have rules. When humans give each other gifts, they do it properly and orderly. When bears give each other gifts they just rip open a fox carcass and present it to their mate. I prefer the human way.”
“I never smile if I can help it. Showing one’s teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.”
“I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once. But by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.”
“I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theater. After an hour I figured I was in the wrong theater but I kept waiting. Cause that’s the thing about bear attacks—they come when you least expect it.”
“I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken, chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.”
In addition to being a paper salesman, Dwight also served as a volunteer sheriff’s deputy during the initial seasons of The Office and fashions himself as an expert crime solver. Like with everything else, however, he has unique views in regards to law enforcement and is not above sharing them with the documentary film crew at Dunder Mifflin.
“There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hand, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately I spoke to Oscar on the phone so none of this is useful.”
“As a volunteer sheriff’s deputy, I’ve been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out, she was. With a couple of guys, actually, so mystery solved.”
“ID badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at sixty pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?”
“I keep various weaponry strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim’s life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk. People say, ‘Oh, it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the workplace.’ Well, I say it’s better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally than by a stranger on purpose.”
“Don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs and get a distress call from the commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.”
“The employees of this office are very small and delicate. They deserve protection from local pervs. Better a thousand innocent men are locked up than one guilty man roam free.”
Dwight Schrute’s family appears to be just as unusual as their offspring. Although cousin Mose has been the only relative actually seen on The Office, Dwight often reminisces about various other members of his family—as well as the implication that were sympathetic to the Nazi cause.
“I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed twenty men, then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.”
“The Schrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. It makes the funerals very romantic. But the weddings are a bleak affair.”
“I’m going to live for a very long time. My Grandma Schrute lived to be a hundred and one. My Grandpa Manheim, he’s a hundred and three and still puttering around down in Argentina. I tried to go visit him once but my travel visa was protested by the Shoah Foundation.”
“My girlfriend and I broke up recently and I must say I am relieved. It gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family we have a tradition where when the male has sex with another woman he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats, left on his doorstep by his parents. You can use those oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. They’re your oats.”
Salesman, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff’s deputy—the many personas of Dwight Schrute translate into one of the truly classic comedic characters of Twenty-First Century television. With an offbeat worldly viewpoint and unique personal philosophy, the many words of wisdom that he offers on The Office only add to the entertaining and amusing nature of the show and helps make the series a classic in its own right as well.
Just don’t call him a hero.
Anthony Letizia (July 12, 2010)
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